Spots and titties

Babe is learning tens of new words each week. It is a joy to witness. He’s such a clever little chicken.

But it raises questions about what to tell him to call some of the things he points at. Chicken or hen? Leopard, cheetah or jaguar? See what I mean? I need to go back to school myself to work out some of the differences. And Other half is already having to avoid some early-learner books as he knows his vocab range doesn't cut the mustard. Even the alpahabet flashcards have him on his knees begging for mercy: 'net', 'igloo', 'xylophone' (hardly everyday words, and if I can't spell them, how can he be expected to?)... God only knows what we’ll do when Babe is revising for his GCSEs. Run for cover, I imagine.

I have a small mark on my leg that he pointed at yesterday. I didn’t see the point of introducing ‘bruise’ or ‘cut’ so I said ‘spot’. Now he is calling every small blemish on my being, ‘spot’. But yelling it while pointing at my neck/arm/cleavage as we walk down the road does not float my boat.

Talking of cleavage, he has noticed and starting pointing at my breasts. For some reason, the word that sprang from my lips when he first noticed them (and which I have never used before in my life!!) was ‘titties!’. Gordon bennett! I’m living to regret that, too, as you might imagine.

Why is it that sometimes random and previously-unused words pop out when you least expect them to? I was walking along the street on holiday abroad once, looking at my reflection in a shop window, when I walked straight into someone approaching me from the opposite direction who’d been doing the same thing. Strangely, the only part of us that made contact was the top of our heads, and the impact caused us both to fall over backwards. (I know you think I’m making this up, but I swear it’s true.) Thanks to my linguistic skills, I could have produced expletives in a number of world languages, including that of the place in which I was staying. Which was not Italy. But what did I shriek? ‘Mama mia! The mind boggles.

Anyway, going back to words for the more private parts of our anatomy, Babe has also discovered his ‘privates’. And I didn’t hesitate in using the word ‘willy’ to describe them for the time being. But what do you call a girl’s private parts? What word doesn’t sound faintly embarrassing, or imply that they’re something to cover up, or sound somewhat insulting? Suggestions, please! I won’t bore you here with a diatribe on the sexism that is so inherently embedded within our society and perpetuated by language. Thank God it’s Friday tomorrow.

Coming soon: belly buttons and shirt-lifting