Amazingly, we stuck to them. And considering that his opener was that he wants me to 'be a nice person' I think that was an amazing achievement. He also said that he doesn't want his brothers to be here and that they don't want to be here either but that this was a situation borne out of necessity. He said that he would agree to my conditions to how often they come round. And he said that he wants to stay with me. He asked if I want to stay with him and I said that I'm not sure. I explained how I am struggling to deal with what even a few more months of their demands would mean for us, let alone the possibility of this all going on for decades. He struggled to keep his cool. But he listened.
To cut a long conversation short we agreed to:
1 Write up some family ground rules with the kids - which we have done. Babe said we should call them 'the glue in the team'.
2 Have the brothers round/do something with them for some of the weekend and sometimes during the week.
3 See if we can work to both sets of ground rules for a fortnight, and then consider continuing, or a change of tack.
This lasted through Monday evening, and yesterday evening (I was out) but started to falter today when he got home from work and accused me of bombarding him the minute he got through the door. So he went off to the gym, sharpish, to escape and avoid the risk of breaking more rules.
I wasn't meaning to bombard him. But I'm going to my mum's for five days tomorrow with the kids and I had kind of hoped he'd remembered this, plus I had some questions to ask and stuff to discuss before I went, including:
1 Who broke the downstairs toilet flush when I was out last night? And could he fix it this weekend while I'm away
2 Why had the brothers refused to eat the Greek aubergine dish I had cooked when they came round last night, and instead eaten the seafood I'd told him I was planning to cook - and enjoy some of myself - today?
3 What did they want me to tell a friend who has some work lined up for them to do this weekend, but which will involve OH helping them source the materials and a ladder
4 Could he please remember to give them the receipt for the plaster he bought - I have placed it beside the bread bin - and which they used to fill the holes in their bedroom walls and which Mr Khan said he'd deduct from their rent, due today? And could we please have that money, rather than them keeping it, since we paid for it?
I felt like I needed to get my requests in fast because literally the minute OH stepped through the front door (he gets home at roughly 6.17pm most days) his mobile rang. It was, of course, OBrother and he was asking why Mr Khan had asked for their rent today. I told him to tell them that he'd asked for it because it was due today. I was feeling riled at their insensitivity - why must they call him at what they know is literally the minute he gets through the door instead of at least giving him time to come in and take his shoes off? I think that might have irritated him, too, because I understood him saying, in Albanian, 'I have just got through the door.' Really, it is like having an extra two kids to look after. If I could just keep my mouth shut for a fortnight he'll probably get to the point of telling them to piss off himself.
Heck, it is going to be very hard keeping this up for two weeks but we are trying. And at least I'm going to be away for some of it.
In the meantime I have simply got to make a priority of trying to relax and de-stress. I have got to find a way of focussing on my own priorities and letting go of all this irritation or it is going to infect me. On Monday I started, for a few minutes, to hum and feel happy and as though I was enjoying life. It caught me unawares so I paused and noticed it. I wondered if it was my birthday but no, that's next week and the reason I'm going to my mum's. (OH's father passed away on my birthday and I know that he and the brothers will want to mourn together. Mourning is really big in their culture and I quite admire the priority they make of it, but I don't want to end up banished to the dining room on my birthday.) (I told my dad not to send me flowers this year as I won't be there and don't want them thinking they are inappropriate flowers of sympathy or I don't know what.) My next feeling was one of astonished guilt that I was feeling happy, so I started to feel stressed again. And then I remembered all the reasons I'm not allowing myself to feel happy at the moment anyway - failing marriage and death by drowning to foreign relatives - and started to feel bloody miserable again. But back in my comfort zone at least. Gee whizz!
OH isn't looking very happy either. I know he's tired. I'm sure he'd stressed. And I'm sure he's missing having an intimate relationship with me because he needs bits of it more than I do. The truth is that I'm yearning to reach out to him and get back to someplace we used to inhabit together, but I feel that I have to make a point of trying to get us both to change our relationship, to rediscover a place of mutual understanding and respect. I'm afraid that if I act like nothing has been happening it will be only a matter of days before we're at one another's throats again and I can't live like that any more. Not least because of the impact it will have on our kids. To be even more truthful, to reach out to him right now would feel more like a response borne out of habit, than one that is coming from deep within and genuine. I don't know if I'm just in need of a good thawing, or if I don't have those feelings any more. I feel lost and frightened. Luckily I am by turns too busy and then too tired to think about this all day and all night.
I may or may not blog over the next few days. I am very much looking forward to a change of scene. And the certainty of making plans and choosing who to spend my time with. If my mind lingers on what is going on in my home while I'm away, or on what mess and/or level of olfactory incidence will greet me on my return, I am going to release those thoughts to the elements. I am going to run on the sand in bare feet and let the sea spray wet my hair (friends who know how much I hate getting cold and wet will be surprised by this). I am going to laugh with my children and eat prawns with my mum and go on theme park rides with my brother, whom I love. I am going to welcome the onset of my forty-second year because God knows what it will hold but I am determined to step forward with open arms and not a lightsaber. Even though I know that is what Babe has asked for, for my birthday.
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