What joy! OH has taken the boys out for a couple of hours so that I can do some housework. This gives me a chance to get my head together and work out what I need to discuss with him - we have agreed to talk this evening.
The week ended in more turbulent emotion. On Thursday it looked as though the brothers had actually decided to look after themselves for one evening and at 8.30, having finally got the kids into bed, I went to sit down with OH in the sitting room. Surprise, surprise, at that moment his mobile rang. It was OBrother, saying that they were starving. And OH told them that they must of course come round. I lost my rag completely, saying that they were behaving like children: they're living in a house with a fully-fitted kitchen and are also in possession of the 'home-starter pack' which our local supermarket is now offering for about £6 and which OH had bought them. It consists of crockery, cutlery and cooking utensils for two. I'm pretty sure it is not intended for young couples or students - major retail outlets are always ahead of the game and clearly there is a significant market of 'new arrivals to the UK' to cater for. The brothers could, I went on, walk five minutes to the Spa and buy themselves eggs, sausages and tomatoes and cook themselves something. Ridiculous! (Of course I happen to know that DBrother intends to buy himself an oven to put in the bedroom and is not prepared to share a kitchen. Even more bloody ridiculous.)
OH saw red and we had a fiery exchange during which I presume the brothers arrived at our front door, heard us and went away again, because they didn't turn up. OH's main defense was that from Saturday he would take them to do a shop and their days of turning up here to eat every day would be over. My main argument was that they were behaving like children and that this needs nipping in the bud. They had been here one day shy of a month and eaten and cooked here every day. We did not find common ground and I ended up stomping off so we failed, once again, to spend any pleasant time together.
On Friday late afternoon I met OBrother on the cycle path as he arrived home from work (on my bike which has now had the child seat taken off it and stowed somewhere) and as we were leaving Babe's school's spooky disco. I asked how he was and said there was chicken in the fridge and that he was welcome to come round and cook. The conversation seemed fine to me, but he didn't appear. OH arrived home from work later than usual and it evolved that the brothers had been standing outside our house waiting for him. I'm not sure if they were trying to keep their distance or once again being infantile, but outside they remained. When I asked OH what was going on, he shouted that he had told them to stay away unless he was at home. And added that they know they're not welcome.
'Look,' I said, once again getting pretty distressed. 'I didn't say they can never come round, but I asked them to start cooking for themselves at their place and to give me some space. I invited them round earlier perfectly amicably (actually I don't know the Greek word for amicably but I'm giving you the gist) and to stand outside is simply insane.' I thought I'd heard someone hawking in the street shortly before OH got home which explains that, anyway.
He stormed off to the gym and took them with him to 'look around that part of town and get themselves a pizza' (they have been paid, thank God, and now have the next two month's rent in hand) and I was left putting the kids to bed, once again.
Yesterday we spent the first Saturday together in ages. It would have been nice except that OH woke up in a foul mood and made us late for the Steiner Academy consultation I wanted to go to, at the city farm. We then went for our first Aldi experience - it having been hailed by many friends - but found it an unsatisfactory experience and ended up going back to Tesco's for the things it doesn't sell, anyway. So I can't honestly say we saved much and I don't think it was worth the time we ended up spending shopping. Babe did at least get the dracula fangs he had been nagging us for and wore them all day, savagely gnashing at us at regular intervals. I'm not sure if there was a hidden message in there or not.
We all crashed out in front of the telly in the afternoon, and when OH woke up, he attempted to apologise and held out his arms to me. After the psychotic sh*t he had hurled at me all morning, I was not inclined to bend and instead asked when we could have a proper conversation, which is now lined up for this evening. The brothers came round after that - having met him at the Spa first - possibly because OH had told
them I was going out. When I got back, enough chicken, rice and potatoes
had been cooked to last an army a week. I can guess why. It was late,
and they had left.
So, what am I going to say this evening?
The wise and lovely friend I spent yesterday evening with suggested that I had to come up with some boundaries to negotiate, that I could cope with and which would also be fair to OH. My mum - who is also wise and lovely - suggested the same thing when I called her in some distress on Friday evening.
My friend suggested that I do not obsess about the longer-term projections for this situation, but instead concentrate on coping mechanisms to get me through the short-term.
I guess these could include:
1 That the brothers eat at their place after work on weekdays. I need help with the boys between the time when OH gets home and them going to bed. We have agreed that I spend half an hour each evening with Babe, doing his reading etc, and this is a routine I want to be really disciplined about establishing and maintaining. And I can't do it with Babe2 yelling at the top of his voice the whole way through. So OH's support is required.
2 That at the weekend we have one family day, or the equivalent of. If OH wants to hook up with his brothers on the other, and the kids too, so be it. And that OH discusses the weekend with me, before making arrangements with them.
3 That if they come round on Saturday evening to eat and socialise, then they don't come round on Sunday evening as well.
4 If they will not relinquish their house keys, that they at least keep them for emergencies, and knock when they come round. And no more rifling through, and helping themselves to, our stuff.
5 OBrother returns my bike and rents one from the council, free of charge. (I will just sort this, no need to state it really)
6 Now that they are earning, they will repay what they owe us, gradually, at an agreed sum per week each. We are up to our ears in overdraft.
(I haven't forgotten that demands will be made of me in return. Not to
behave like a screaming banshee going beserk will no doubt be one of
them.)
I guess the conditions above would leave me coping, up to a point. It will not address the burning resentment I feel because I'm in this situation and I am going to have to find some karmic means to address this.
Neither does it address the fact that I am feeling even more emotionally frozen that I was before, and unsure as to whether I want to continue in a relationship with OH. Part of me feels that the distance that has emerged between us over this last month is the beginning of the end, and I'm not sure I want to re-enter the semblance of a relationship with him, with all this going on. Things have been said that will never be forgotten. It is clear that our relationship is fairly dis-functional, because we wouldn't be in the situation we are if it wasn't.
Also - and I promise I won't bang on about this again - our lives have now changed in a hugely significant way, and there is no going back. DBrother, I suspect, will either get cheesed off and go home, or bag himself an English girlfriend and then not be interested in spending any time with us. In the fifteen years or so of my relationship with OH that has been lived here in the UK, DBrother has made almost no attempt whatsoever to be in touch with OH. He called us once, about ten years ago, to ask if we could buy and send to Athens some medicine that his then-wife needed. And then about a year ago he started making overtures, and it was clear to me what he was angling for and why.
OBrother, on the other hand will, I'm pretty sure, end up staying here. He has always said that his game plan is to live here for a decade and then retire to his home in Albania, but once he's brought his wife and sons over, and got them places at school etc, I can't imagine that he'll leave them on their own if they've put down roots. And the boys would most likely end up wanting to stay, once they've made friends and speak the language. And even if they wanted to leave, the economic situation in Greece and Albania is unlikely to improve in our working lifetime, so how would his sons go back there to work? Despite the benchmarks I've laid down above, if his wife and sons did come to join him here, they would of course see us as their social lifeline and I how could I possibly escape that? This isn't just about me wanting to preserve my space, this is about me being forced to hang out with people I don't just have nothing in common with, but also with people I just don't like very much.
Finally, there is no escaping the number of relatives that are no doubt holding out for DBrother and OBrother to make a go of it here, so that they can come and join them. No other siblings (OH is one of eleven, nine remaining, who are all, bar one, married and have kids) expect to join them (I don't think), but there are loads of nephews and nieces who have left or are leaving or who are completing school and who will, I am sure, expect to come here too:
OBrother's two - already mentioned
DBrothers two - in their twenties, speak moderate to good English, no skills
Tsister's three - all in their twenties, struggling to keep a roof over their head in Corfu and no skills between them, some English
Vsister's one - about to do military service and whose parents have indicated that they want him to come here - moderate English
Msister's one - can probably look after herself - good English
And others...
So it seems to me that the questions I have to answer are:
1 Can I cope with the brothers being around if OH gets them to agree to the terms above, and keeps the terms himself?
2 Can I let go of residual resentment and make a fresh start?
3 Can OH and I lay down some ground rules and then set a time frame to see if we can live in peace while we give some time to seeing how the brothers' situation evolves? I could use that time to assess:
4 Do I love OH enough to stay with him, knowing that our lives together are going to be affected, most likely for a decade if not longer, by the ongoing demands of his family?
Gee. What a list of questions. Maybe OH is right, and I do need a shrink.
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